Self Examination…

Here is what I’ve discovered about God: ask and you shall receive.  Over the past couple of months I’ve pulled back from quite a few things that are typically “me.”  I hardly feel comfortable in my own skin these days and I am constantly asking myself why?  And the request I continually have made towards God is to be humbled; to be forced out of my own way because I am the one stopping myself from being close to the Lord.  I think maybe I shouldn’t have asked so much.  Prayer granted.

Without a doubt I wear my heart on my sleeve.  There is no changing that, only accepting it and finding a way to live within some sort of balance of my emotions.  As it turns out, I haven’t done a very good job of that lately.  Something happened recently that sparked…well…a fire that burned away some of my shelter and protection.  I feel exposed and extremely uncomfortable.  But it needed to happen.

It is never easy hearing the truth, especially from people you care about.  Prior to becoming a Christian I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to listen and process what was said.  But because I don’t want to be that person anymore I sat with open ears, holding my breath to prevent the tears that now fall freely.  A flood of thoughts rushed through me as I tried to process and be ok with what was being said.  Ultimately the only thing that made sense was that this was the very definition of speaking truth in love.  I couldn’t be angry at that.  And while it hurts to hear “flaws” about myself, I’m quite grateful for what was said.  The words weren’t meant to hurt, but to encourage growth in not only my Christian walk, but also my life in general.

This week has been spent in a bit of a fog.  I very easily could give in to the feelings of failure.  Each day I think about what I could have done differently, praying that given the opportunity in the future I will do just that.  I wouldn’t say that I’m wallowing right now, but my tail is definitely tucked.  I feel lost and confused as to how and where to take my next step.  This doesn’t help the already lost and confused feelings I was having since coming back from the Dominican.

I’ve been so anxious to move on to what is next in Gods plan for me.  What I am starting to realize, is that this little train wreck is part of His plan.  I can’t possibly do His will if I’m completely wrapped up in myself as I go about life.  I am so sorry to anyone I’ve hurt or inadvertently pushed away.  I still have a lot to learn.

In an attempt to put to action what I have learned this week, I relinquished my pride to have a conversation with someone that, honestly, needed to happen for a long time.  While I can’t speak for them, I do think we’ve both learned some valuable lessons.  While this is not a dating relationship, I took away something from the finale of our 5 Things series at Cross Point.  In context, Pete provided three words to help battle “settling” in a relationship:  Work, Dependency, and Grace.  I firmly believe these words can be applied to other relationships in our lives.  Relationships of any sort take work.  We have to place our dependence on God.  You need truck-loads of grace.  Of those three words, grace is my biggest hurdle.  I always expect people to extend it to me, and then I don’t want to do the same.  More work within myself that needs to be done.

Worshiping tonight, the song “With Everything” from Hillsong touched me more than ever.  While we didn’t sing all of the words, I could hear them rising in my heart.  Words like “Open our eyes to see the things that make your heart cry”…“Break down our pride and all the walls we’ve built up inside”…“With everything…we will shout for your glory…with everything…will we shout forth your praise.” I want to lose myself in those words and in Him.  I want to start taking responsibility for my actions and reactions.  My prayer is for God to continue to work on the roughest areas of my heart, and for those that love me to continue to speak into my life when I need it.  I pray that I can be that for them as well.  I pray that someday living with everything in Christ will come a lot more naturally than it does now.

Do you remember the first time someone spoke “truth in love” to you?  How did you react?